


Assumptions

by AgentMalkere



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: (don't poke it Green), Canon Typical Swearing, Clearing the air, Dex has no filter when he's drunk, Gen, Humor, Lobsters, Politics, all is well, shwasted
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-10
Updated: 2017-12-10
Packaged: 2019-02-12 21:28:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12968766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AgentMalkere/pseuds/AgentMalkere
Summary: Dex is too drunk to be having this conversation, but for once that's a good thing.





	Assumptions

Dex has always been a chatty drunk.  That's why he generally doesn't like to get drunk all that often.  Getting drunk means making embarrassing comments about Jack Zimmermann's ass or going on long rants about how cooking lobster is the creepiest, most guilt-inducing thing in the world to do and who the fuck came up with boiling them alive anyway?  As long as Dex just gets pleasantly buzzed, he can usually relax some and still manage to filter some of the word vomit.  Tonight, though, at the second Epikegester of the year, Dex is running low of sleep and high on stress and overestimates his tolerance.  Or maybe Shitty just brewed the tub juice extra potent and didn't tell anybody.  Either way, Dex is leaning on the railing in front of the Haus hoping the cold air will sober him up a bit.  That's where Nursey finds him.

They've been butting heads and driving Chowder nuts for almost two months now, and Dex has been trying to tone it down.  No, honestly, he has.  He got the white privilege lecture from Shitty, and he gets it, okay?  There are a lot things that he takes for granted in his life that are easier just because he was born with pale skin and male.  It's stupid, and it sucks, and he's doing his best not to be that asshole now that he knows what's going on.  He's not sure he's always succeeding, but he's doing his damnedest.  He remembers the taunts about being a "soulless ginger" when he was younger, and it's not the same, but he remembers how much it hurt.  He doesn't want to make anyone else feel like that.  Ever. 

Nursey still routinely pisses him off, though.  Dex doesn't like feeding the angry ginger stereotype, but when he's stressed, he does have a very short fuse.  His first two months at Samwell have been really stressful.  It grates that his fellow D-man will casually pull fifties out of his wallet like it's nothing when Dex has to budget if he wants to splurge on a latte at Annie's on Wednesday after class and scour EBay in hopes of finding the textbooks he needs at a slightly better price than in the campus store (textbooks are fucking expensive).  Being told to "chill" when he's fighting with his anxiety makes Dex want to hit people.  What grates even more, though, is Nursey and his very "chill" _fucking political soapbox_.  Ever since the "Samwell Republican" laptop sticker incident, it's just gotten worse.  And if there's one thing Dex really can't stand, it's being preached at.  No matter how theoretically "chill" said preacher is.

Dex isn't even sure what Nursey says exactly this time.  Something about the stupid laptop sticker again.  And Dex knows that they are both way too drunk to be having this conversation, but precisely _because_ he is way too drunk for this, Dex doesn't care.  He is so done with this shit and his family's long and proud tradition of never actually talking about what's actually wrong.  He spins and yells directly in Nursey's face,

"For fuck's sake, being a Republican doesn't automatically make me a RACIST, HOMOPHOBIC ASSHOLE!!!"

Nursey sways back from him slightly, eyes wide.

"Man, I never said you were."

"Yeah, but it was pretty heavily _fucking_ implied," Dex growls, and then his mouth is off and running because his filter croaked at least two cups of tub juice ago.  He holds up one slightly unsteady hand and starts ticking points off on his fingers.  "Gun regulations.  Taxes.  Health care.  Governmental regulation."  He waves the four fingers he ticked off in Nursey's befuddled face.  "You wanna fight with me about politics, pick one of those!  I already agree with you about LGBT rights and environmental stuff and all that shit.  Just because I'm registered as Republican doesn't mean I _have_ to vote for their candidate.  All politicians are crooks, anyway.  I mean, how am I supposed to pay for school if the ocean gets completely fucked up and there are no more lobsters?  Poor little fuckers.  Have you ever heard someone cook one?  It's awful."  Dex blinks.  He's gotten off topic.  What was he talking about?  Oh, right.  "So will you _stop_ bringing up that fucking laptop sticker that I bought to keep my parents from freaking over me going to such a liberal school?  It's like they think it'll ward off Democrat-ness or something."

Nursey is gaping at him now and clearly not as shwasted as Dex.  Then he giggles, so maybe he's a little shwasted.

"Ward off Democrat-ness?"

"Yup.  They totally would have had conniptions about me going here if it wasn't for the scholarship."  He lowers his voice to a pseudo-whisper, "Don't tell them that members of the Green Party hang around here - they'd lose their fucking minds."

"Damn."  Dex isn't sure how he and Nursey have gone from soapboxes and yelling to giggling about his uber-conservative parents, but he's okay with this.  Nursey finally stops giggling and pokes Dex in the shoulder.  "Sorry for assuming about you.  I should know better than that."

Dex considers this,

"Well, I mean, I _look_ like my Uncle Mark, and he _is_ a racist, homophobic asshole, so you just got the wrong Poindexter."

"That doesn't make sense."

"Shut up - I'm drunk."

"So am I - it _still_ doesn't make sense."

"Whatever.  Anyway, _have_ you ever seen somebody cook a lobster?"

Nursey, as it turns out, _hasn't_ ever seen someone cook a lobster, so they spend the next half hour discussing the eighth wonder of the world, Jack Zimmermann's ass, instead.  It's a weird conversation, but most conversations are weird when Dex is this drunk.  He enjoys it anyway.

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to my conservative Republican friend who proudly supports her bi, gender-fluid BFF and their life partner and enjoys discussing various angles of social issues with my liberal self. 
> 
> This one has been sitting on my laptop for a while, and I finally decided, "What the heck. Might as well post it."


End file.
